Please, Rub the Whale With Both Hands
by ayumipants
Summary: A story of love, between Itachi and the killer whale statue at Sea World. Much crack is located within this tale.
1. Chapter 1

Please, Rub the Whale With Both Hands: a story of love, between Itachi and the killer whale statue at Sea World.

A/N: Before you take a gander at this epic tale, I would like you to know that this is a serious story, and should be taken very very very seriously. Also, you should never use more than one "very" in the same sentence. For it is bad grammar.

The waves crashed against the golden sands as the sun sank below the horizon. Itachi, about to leave this sacred place, glances behind himself casually. He sees a figure, glowing like a holy light, against the darkening sky. The ninja was taken aback at the sight of this glorious silhouette. He galloped towards the beautiful figurine of beautiful… ness… that is… SHAMU!

He caressed its smooth surface and sighed deeply, thinking of the memories they would enjoy together.

"What is your name, my love?" whispered Itachi. The whale remained silent. "Perhaps you are enjoying your… late night snack. Late night snack. LATE-NIGHT-SNACK!!"

The statue gazed back through calm eyes.

"Then my dear, your name shall forever be… Whaley… Do you like it, love?"

The whale appeared to nod, despite the fact that it was clearly impossible.

A moment of tender love passed between the dark ninja and the silent whale.

Suddenly, a terrible screeching voice emitted from above, signaling an end to this wondrous event.

"Sea World is closing, please gather your belongings and kindly leave…"

"NOOOOOOOO! I will not be torn away from my ONE TRUE LOVE! AHHHHH!" Itachi clung to his stone lover tenderly, prepared to hold on to the end of time.

Moments passed, and no satanic figures appeared to tear the two lovers forcefully away from each other.

"It seems that our shields of true intimacy have prevented any intruders into our beautiful relationship." Whispered Itachi, into the whale's stone ear.

It was then that Itachi began to sing a love ballad that accurately described the two lovers bond… "'CUZ EVERYTIME WE TOUCH, I GET THIS FEEEEEELING, AND EVERTIME WE KISS I SWEAR I COULD FLLYYYYYY"

This sweet song was cut off by the loud and terrible stomping of intruders.

"Hey! Get out of here! Sea World is closed!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" came a blood-curdling scream from the ninja. He gallantly threw up his arms to grasp his lover. But alas, he was not speedy enough to embrace the whale, and the demon-children (apparently named "Security") dragged the sobbing ninja out of this sacred place. They cold-heartedly threw him out of the shining gates.

"No! NOOOO!" Itachi screamed as he was locked out, locked out of the place where his lover dwelled. A barrier of pure evil kept them apart.

"Well… UNTIL THE NEXT TIME WE MEET!" Itachi sobbed, and thinking of his beautiful Whaley, sulked on home.


	2. Chapter 2

Itachi sat, watching his ninja TV, dreaming about the next time he and his dear statue would meet. A work of art she was, her body so elegantly sculpted… Itachi breathed heavily at the thought of his lover in an exposing swimsuit.

"She is… Divine…" he tantalizingly thought. Oh, how he wanted to hold her stone cold flippers in his arms again!

Just then, Kisame burst in through the dimly lit passageway.

"Itachi! Itachi! Sea World opens in two minutes!"

Itachi gasped, his thoughts filled with the future… Of him and his precious whale-friend-girl-friend-whale-girl.

"But wait, Kisame, why do you want to go to Sea World? ARE YOU TRYING TO STEAL MY PUDDING PIE!?"

"No! I… uh… I have found my own precious lil' muffin…"

"Who? WHO! TELL ME WHO, YOU MADMAN!"

"A tank of water! It houses such things as seaweed… and kelp…"

"What!? Well, let us not remain hither any longer! To Sea World, young man!"

A few moments later, Kisame and Itachi were at Sea World, their haven of eternal love. Immediately, Kisame rushed to his beloved tank of water. His face pressed against the window, he began to whisper sweet nothings in its… ear…

"Oh, my beautiful blue tank of water, all I want to do is… SWIM IN THEE!"

So, Kisame sneaked into the "Staff Only" section, went around back, and promptly jumped into his lover.

"Oh, how I am in ecstasy!" Kisame yelled, as he swam around his sweet muffin cake. The water splashed against the side of the glass in apparent agreement.

Meanwhile, Itachi ran towards the spot where his lover dwelled.

"Oh, come to me, my dear puddin' pie! Let us enjoy a picnic on the sandy shores of the beach!"

But when he arrived, he discovered that his beloved Whaley was missing!

"NOOOOO!" Itachi screamed, and fell to his knees. At that moment, it started to rain in a dramatic sort of way. Where was his eternal love? What ever has happened to her?


	3. Chapter 3

Itachi returned home sadly, wondering what happened to his divine beauty. He sat there on the couch, thinking only of her.

"Oh, what has happened to my peaceful dove?" Itachi sobbed. "What if she is lost in the desert? What if she is stuck in a jungle? What if she is drowning in the sea!?"

It then occurred to Itachi that the whale was made of rock, and the scenarios he listed would have no effect on the stone mammal.

"But even so…" Itachi sighed. "I still would like to know where she is… so I can give her flowers… and candy…"

Just then, Kisame slammed the front door open with a bang.

"Why are you wet and dripping on my ninja carpet?" Itachi asked.

"I just took a dip in my lover!" Kisame replied. "OH, HOW SHE REFRESHED ME SO!"

"How I wish I could take a swim in my lover." Itachi groaned. "But I cannot find her, for she is lost from me! Oh, where art thou, my beautiful Whaley?"

"I have seen your lover!" Kisame mumbled, while eating a meat sandwich. "She is at Sea World! She was relocated into the polar bear cage."

"What? But that doesn't make any sense!"  
"Yes it does. What are you talking about?"  
"Oh yes, I see your point now. It makes perfect sense now. To Sea World!"

It was then quite late, so Itachi had to sneak into Sea World by barreling over the gates. He ran towards the polar bear cage, where his voluptuous little pea pod dwelled.

He jumped into the area where the polar bears rested. He ran towards his beloved statue, only to find that his beautiful swan was all scratched up.

"Oh no! It seems that my princess has been used as a scratching post for these horrible creatures! Here, let me tend to your wounds, my dear."

He then began to rub the whale with both hands tenderly. It was a good thing that no one was around for this, for they would feel like they were not wearing pants. It was during this tender rubbing moment that Itachi made a frightening discovery. It seemed that Itachi's self-proclaimed girlfriend was not a girl at all!  
"Ack! Why did they sculpt that!?" Itachi screamed, in a fit of horror and realization. Unfortunately, this loud noise awoke the polar bears, and they promptly ate Itachi.

The End

A/N: I sincerely hope you all enjoyed this. If you perchance did not, I suggest going back over this and reading it out loud, in a quavering, suggestive, British accent. It adds a lot to the depth and emotion of this serious, serious story.

Also, I do not own Naruto, Itachi, or Kisame, nor would I want to.


End file.
